


Some things are better left unsaid

by TwilightDuskPlayz



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, F/F, F/M, Female Homosexuality, Gay, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Mental Disorders, Multi, Other, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2018-12-18
Packaged: 2019-09-18 10:37:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16993455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwilightDuskPlayz/pseuds/TwilightDuskPlayz
Summary: Alexander Hamilton, the mysterious new student who suddenly arrived at King's College has many secrets. Most everybody knows him, but nobody exactly knows that much about him. Even his best friend, John Laurens, barely knows anything past the way he likes his coffee.Alexander is depressed. He had a rough past. Will anyone be able to pry it from him, or more forwardly, will anyone be able to fix him? And are he and his best friend John really just "best friends", even if they act closer than a long term couple?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings: Depression, suicidal thoughts, mentions of attempted suicide, anxiety, hurricanes, self-harm, homophobic figures, homosexuality
> 
> A/N: This is my first fan-fiction, hope you enjoy it! I'll try to update often!

> Alexander Hamilton. The guy who always sat next to John. The guy who wrote like he was running out of time. Yet, what if he really was running out of time? Alexander Hamilton. The guy everybody and nobody knew, all at once.
> 
> ~~~~\--x--
> 
> John Laurens glanced at his best friend, Alexander. While John had two pages of notes, Alexander had seven and a half. It was currently English class, one of the classes John happened to share with him. Alex just kept writing, barely noticing his surroundings, as usual. Finally, the teacher dismissed the class to their next period, lunch. Alex started slowly packing up his things, an unusual stiffness about the way he moved. John seemed to pick up on this, and looked to his companion with worry.
> 
> "Are you okay, Alex?" He asked, looking expectantly at Alexander.
> 
> "Yeah," Alex muttered, somewhat under his breath. Alex stood up, grabbed his bag, now neatly packed, and began to walk out of the classroom. Quickly, John followed behind him, hoping to yet again inquire about what had happened to Alexander, when something completely unexpected occurred. Aaron Burr had stopped walking to talk with Alexander. John was still a reasonable distance apart, and only heard fragments of phrases as the two talked in hushed murmurs. Then, the two walked off, together, none the less, to the lunch room. John realized something was extremely off, as Aaron barely even exchanged a word with Alexander. Of course, he never was rude, either, but was barely talked to as he was in Thomas Jefferson's general friend circle. But what utterly shocked John was when Alexander sat next to Thomas Jefferson. And what's more, Thomas looked genuinely concerned for Alexander, instead of arguing with him, which typically resulted in Alexander triumphant, much to John's usual avail.
> 
> \--x--
> 
> _Alexander blankly stared at the ground, his eyes glassy with tears that had yet to fall. He was sitting against the tile wall of the bathroom, the door firmly locked beside him. He shakily reached out to his tattered bag, and drew out a pencil sharpener from the side pocket. Instead of using it, he extracted the blade from it and put the empty contraption back in his bag. He stared at the blade, and after drawing in a breath, he brought it to his wrist. He pressed down and added more to the large web of cuts on his arm. He drew in a sharp breath at the pain, but soon he could feel himself relax. He watched as the murky, crimson liquid stained the floor. He heard footsteps coming around. Shit. He tossed the piece in his bag and yanked down the sleeves on his hoodie, hoping they would suffice as to cover up the wounds. He quickly got up and unlocked the door, quickly stepping out. He stopped in his tracks as he saw who stared at him. Thomas Jefferson. this was the worst possible timing for Alexander, who just stared blankly at Jefferson, not in the spirits to fight, or even try. He just kept his head looking at the ground. Thomas looked at him, frowning slightly. Alexander looked at his sleeves again, to see the blood seeping through. Shit. Shit. Shit._
> 
> _"What the hell?" Thomas actually looked concerned. "Shit, why are you bleeding?" He asked, his face looking slightly paler._
> 
> _"No reason..." Hamilton deflected, in one of the most neutral tones Thomas had ever heard him in. Thomas hated to admit it, but this was seriously worrying. He grabbed Hamilton's sleeve and pulled it up. He looked shocked, and his face was almost entirely pale. Thomas quickly grabbed Alexander's arm and yanked him to his dorm. He dropped him and quickly went to the medical supply cabinet. Holy shit. What had caused Hamilton, the normally loud, argumentative, lively Hamilton to act like this? Finally finding some bandages, he wrapped Alexander's arm. Hamilton didn't even flinch, or look up. He looked defeated. He was like an empty shell of the Hamilton Thomas thought he knew. Now that he looked closer, the bags under Alexander's eyes had become more prominent. His eyes were glassy and dull, and showed a glint of fear in them. He saw slight bruises that couldn't be seen from a distance._
> 
> _"What happened?" Thomas asked, his voice slightly faltering. Alexander looked at Thomas blankly, then asked something that had shocked Thomas._
> 
> _"Can I stay here tonight?" Hamilton asked bluntly, still not wavering from his ever - so - neutral expression. Looking almost dumbfounded, Thomas reluctantly agreed._
> 
> _"I, uh.. have a couch, if you'd like to sleep on that tonight.." He offered, closely inspecting Hamilton's reaction._
> 
> _"Yeah.. that works." Hamilton said, looking at the ground. Thomas decided to make dinner, and began to cook chicken while Alexander just stared at the ground, flatly, before taking out a journal and writing in it. Thomas would often glance back at Hamilton, still confused at what happened, but would quickly return to cooking, as whatever it was, he most definitely wouldn't open up if he happened to see him staring. After Thomas had finally finished, he placed a plate in front of Hamilton, who looked up at him with that same bleak expression before tentatively taking a bite. By the time he was finished, he still hadn't even even half of it. Thomas still took it up, sighing to himself._
> 
> _"You, uh, okay with me going to sleep or..?" Thomas trailed off.  Hamilton just looked at him and nodded. "Try to sleep yourself," Thomas muttered, before making his way to his room._
> 
> _Thomas woke up, rubbing his eyes. Then memories from the night before came flooding back to him, and he quickly darted out of his room to see if it was a dream. It had to be, right? When he saw Hamilton, sleeping yet still somehow seemingly on guard, he was surprised. Even if he had previously thought it to be real, he doubted Hamilton would even sleep, none the less stay in this long. Hamilton stirred, then looked slightly appalled at his surroundings before seeming to remember what had happened. He got up, and Thomas stared at him._
> 
> _"I'll, uh, make breakfast then," Thomas quickly said, making his way over to the kitchen. He poured a bowl of cereal for himself, and was about to start on Hamilton's before he bluntly spoke out._
> 
> _"I don't want any food," He said, still looking down. Thomas didn't buy this and still made the bowl. He put it in front of Hamilton, who, despite his earlier protest, began to eat it, looking absent - minded. He then grabbed his bag and walked out the door, on his way to school. Thomas quickly grabbed his own bag, before chasing after him._
> 
> \--x--
> 
> Alexander looked down, obviously not eating since he, after all, didn't even bother getting food. Thomas had told his friends of the situation, and Alexander frankly didn't care, so long as he didn't worry his friends. He had slightly recovered, looking a little more normal than the previous night, to Thomas's relief. Of course, Aaron Burr never really despised Alex and was generally worried for him. So he of course had taken it upon himself to ask Alexander to join them, to see if he could figure out what was wrong.
> 
> \--x--
> 
> John sat down with Hercules and Lafayette, feeling disheartened and concerned for Alexander. they seemed to immediately notice his absence.
> 
> "Why isn't Alexander here today with you, mon ami?" Lafayette asked, an expression of worry making it's way on to his face as well.
> 
> "Something's seriously wrong. Alex is sitting with Aaron Burr and Jefferson today. I swear if they blackmailed him I will rip their heads off!" John snarled, though for some reason he noticed Alex didn't look exactly tortured, just less himself at the moment. Hercules and Lafayette immediately glanced at Jefferson's self - proclaimed table and looked shocked.
> 
> "What the hell..." Hercules commented, still looking shocked.
> 
> "Now do you see why I'm so worried?" John said, looking at his two friends as they nodded.
> 
> "Pourquoi est-ce qu'Alexander est assis avec ces deux-là! Et si quelque chose se passait, oh mon dieu, et si Alexander avait des ennuis! Ou pire, si Alexander n'était pas là et que c'était un faux, ou si ..."
> 
> _[Why is Alexander sitting with those two! What if something happened, oh god, what if Alexander is in trouble! Or worse, what if Alexander isn't here and that's a fake, or what if..]_
> 
> "Calm down, Laf.." Hercules said, though a solemn expression was still etched in to his face. Lafayette kept muttering under his breath what I could slightly recognize as French cursing. When I glanced back at their table, I noticed Alexander just looking down, not talking. Okay, this was starting to scare John. First, he sits with Aaron Burr and Thomas Jefferson, then he doesn't even acknowledge the world's existence?
> 
> Lunch had passed, and the few classes John had left he barely paid any attention to. Soon, the day was already over. John quickly grabbed his bag and darted out of the door, making his way to where he knew Alex's last block was. When he saw Alex starting to head out, he ran to keep up with him.
> 
> "Alex!" He called, finally finding himself in front of the boy.
> 
> "Hey, John," Alex said, still seeming off.
> 
> "Why were you sitting with Jefferson at lunch?" He asked, looking at Alexander with a slightly confused expression.
> 
> "I... had to clear up some things," He muttered, before forcing a smile. While John wanted to pry further, he knew he and Hamilton had been dorm-mates for a while and he would get a chance later, so he decided to change the topic.
> 
> "Why didn't you come back last night?" He asked, it was a question had earlier forgotten, but still of importance to him.
> 
> "I had work." Alex muttered, though John knew from his look he was thinking about something. While Alex looked at the ground on their way back, John found himself staring at Alex more than he intended. He turned away once he realized, a red color becoming visible on his cheeks.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A storm occurs, and Alex is sent back to the hurricane. John starts to get even more suspicious, oh, and Burr exists. Alex starts considering if he's "Only friends" with John, or something more.

John fidgeted with his hands. He and Alexander had finally arrived at their dorm. It was a brick building, though the red color was faded by weathering and was somewhat gray. They walked up the steps and arrived at their door. Across the hall was Lafayette and Hercules´ dorm room, though he knew they hadn't yet arrived due to the silence. Alex grabbed his key and unlocked the door, and walked in. John quickly followed. It was a nice dorm. A kitchen was to the right, with a full sized fridge and oven, including a microwave. A small table was around that area, as well. To the left was a TV stand with a flat screen on top, and a three seat sofa in front of it. There was a bathroom down the hall of the dorm, and near it were two bedrooms. Alexander's was covered in pages of writing, and had a dresser, desk, bed, which he rarely ever used, and a closet. John's room was the same, except it had much less cluttered writing and had posters of turtles and rainbows across the wall. Alex sat down on the couch and grabbed his laptop from his bag, then started furiously typing. John sighed. He cared for Alex, but the guy worked non - stop. John didn't even really know why. All he knew was the kid had a 4.0 average and was one of the most intelligent students in this college. Needless to say, Alex was a genius. John, well, John did okay in his classes. He had a 2.7 average, which basically meant he got C's and B's in almost everything.

John sighed, then sat down on the couch next to Alex and flipped through the TV channels. He was extremely bored, and was waiting for Alex to finish writing. Of course, the issue with Alex was he never did stop writing. Alex rarely even slept, which just added more on to John's worry. Alex seemed a little off still, as normally he would at least attempt a conversation with John. Alex suddenly looked up as he noticed the weather report coming on the news. There was a storm heading in sometime later today. Alex tensed up, and closed his laptop. John was looking at him, slightly confused yet still worried.

"Hey, uh, are you okay?" John asked, looking directly at Alex.

"Yeah, I need to do something, be right back," Alex replied, darting to his room and slamming the door. John frowned. Why was Alex acting so weird all of a sudden? He heard Alex talking to someone, presumably on the phone, from inside his room. John just happened to pick up small bits and pieces of the conversation, and it seemed they were saying something involving a hurricane, and that Alex was inviting this person over. When Alex hung up, or John assumed he did, from the silence, John was almost up against the door. When he realized this, he quickly stepped back and sat on the couch, trying to act natural when Alexander came out. While John was obviously concerned for his dear friend, he was getting frustrated. Not at Alexander, of course, but at himself. He couldn’t seem to do anything to help him. And with Jefferson, Burr, the call, and how Alex’s been acting lately it had caused John to wonder if he even really knew Alex as well. Actually, John realized he had no clue about Alex’s past, family, or where he is when John wasn’t with him.

Soon enough, a knock was heard on the door. John was beginning to move towards the door as to open it, but then Alexander quickly sprinted down the hall and opened it himself. And guess who was behind the door? Aaron Burr. It could've been worse though, as luckily Jefferson wasn't anywhere to be seen. But why invite Aaron Burr over, and why sound so concerned? As John looked closer, he actually began to see the worry that glazed over Aaron's eyes.

"Storm's heading in soon, Alexander. Where do you want to set up for it?" He asked, after a moment of silence.

"My room, I guess..." Alex said, looking down slightly. John tried to catch Alex's eye, and when he finally caught a glimpse of them he noticed they was fear and worry in them.

"What's going on?" John asked, feeling slightly frustrated that something was obviously happening he didn't know about. Aaron looked at John for a second, seemingly confused at the fact he didn't appear to have any knowledge about what was currently happening. Then he looked at Alex, who was tensing up visibly now. When John looked outside, he saw the rain was already starting. To John's surprise, Aaron quickly darted over to Alexander and began murmuring something about staying with us in his ear. The rain was slowly picking up pace, and Alex was starting to tremble visibly as though in accordance to the picking up rain.

"You're here now Alex. It's only a small storm. Everyone's safe. You're safe." Burr said, and John was actually worried as Alexander seemed to freeze up. He seemed to be entirely unaware of his surroundings, and John quickly rushed up to him.

"What the hell is happening Aaron?!" John exclaimed, glaring at him.

"It is a triggered panic attack..." Aaron muttered under his breath, and John just stared at him. Why didn't he know sooner his best friend had panic attacks? And why was he having one now. It had only just begun raining, so rain was the trigger?

\--x--

[Direct POV of Alex]

_ I was frantically climbing to gain elevation above the quickly rising waters. Disfigured and limp bodies were scattered around. My town was in ruins, even the strongest structures reduced to mere piles of wood and brick on the ground. I could notice myself slowing down from exhaustion. My family was all dead. I can’t seem to die. Everything is destroyed. I can’t seem to die. I can feel my lungs, heavy with water, stop working. I collapse on the ground, wet and miserable. My head felt like it was splitting in half. My skin burned from the scratches and cuts. I choked out a sob and started violently shaking. I should be dead by now! I just can’t seem to die. God, why couldn’t a useless bastard like me just die already?! _

“I just couldn’t seem to die…” I mutter, flickering from the memories and reality. I slowly come to, curled up in a ball on the carpet now. John had tears in his eyes and was violently shaking me.

“Alex, can you hear me? Alex?! Oh my god…” He said, and he wrapped his arms around me, desperately attempting to bring me back. Aaron Burr was sitting near him, a look of concern evident on his face.

“I’m fine, John… I’ve always been fine, don’t worry…” I mutter, wiping away my tears and forcing a smile. I didn’t want to be any more of a burden on my friends than I already had, so worrying him was out of the question.

“No, you’re not Alex! You haven’t been acting like yourself, then you break down and expect me to believe you’re fine?!” John yelled, and I could feel him tremble from the embrace I was still wrapped in.

“I… just don’t want to be a burden on you all anymore…” I mutter, barely audible.

“Godammit, Alex you’re not a burden! Why would you even think that?!” He exclaims, getting louder every word.

“I’m sorry…” I mutter, feeling immense guilt for causing John to feel like this. God Alex, you couldn’t even try to act okay for him?!

“No, there’s your problem! None of this is your fault! We just want to protect you… I just want to protect you…” He muttered, slowly tightening his grip on me. Aaron was shuffling through our cabinet until he drew out a disc.

“Let’s just watch a movie to drown out the rain, I think we’re all tired here.” He says, and without an answer he goes to put in the movie.

I slowly sit down on the couch, feeling slightly relieved. John was still obviously concerned, but followed me anyways. The movie Aaron had picked was unsurprisingly a Disney Movie. I’d known Aaron long enough to know it was his favorite type of film. As the movie went on, I surprisingly felt tired. I lie down on John’s lap, which actually wasn’t very uncommon for us to do during movies. I tensed slightly still at hearing the rain, but it had significantly gotten less prominent and lighter. John started idly playing with my hair. For a second, he looks at me and our eyes lock. It was different for some reason though this time. For the first time I seemed to notice how his emerald eyes sparkled from the light radiating from the TV. I could see his freckles so close they looked like the night sky. This was odd. I’d never felt this before when looking at John. His face becomes visibly flushed soon and he quickly turns his attention back to the movie, which honestly had lost my interest after the plot became obvious enough to guess the end. I was still thinking about those few seconds looking in to John’s eyes though, the rain already slipping my mind to ponder this. I could feel myself getting tired after I had kept thinking back to those moments. I sighed, and openly greeted the unusual blackness sucking at the edge of my consciousness. I resisted for a second though. There was so many things I could be writings, or doing right now to be more productive. Then I look back and John and sigh contentedly. I don’t know why I was suddenly thinking like this honestly. It was rather confusing. It was something I had never even felt before. I knew, of course, that we probably wouldn’t ever mention that moment again. And I knew that John was probably going to continue to search for why I’ve been acting ‘off’ lately as soon as he thought I was well - rested. You see, that’s the odd thing. He never really does that for many others, except sometimes Hercules and Lafayette, depending on the scale of the disagreement. But he always was comforting me above average, and whenever he was worried or upset he would still put my happiness first. Hell, actually now that I consider it I've never seen him as close to anyone else as he is to me most of the time. I mean, I know we're best friends, despite him not really having a clue about my past, but I never have seen even some long standing couples as close as us. What if our relationship is actually more than friends? Hm, maybe I’m just overthinking things. I finally, after thinking for a lengthy extent of time, allow sleep to consume my thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank all of you guys for the support! Here's another chapter for you all! <3

**Author's Note:**

> Lemme know if y'all want me to continue this ->-


End file.
